07.20.2008 / EP. 24
New Business, Old Business
Pam nodded. “What does Carrie know and why haven’t you called me?”
“Stop striking attitudes.”
They sat in Milly’s living room. Pam watched Milly fuss with a bottle of red wine.Pam’s questions remained unanswered. When a glass stood before each ofthem, Milly said “That’s what I like about you, no smiles, gestures, phatic chat tooil the social machine. And that’s what I don’t like about you. Rituals are all thatseparate us from hyenas. Dialogue taught our ancestors the secrets of fire thatfought the glaciers to a standstill. You call it bluntness. I say it’s politeconversation and without it we’re howling in the dark.”
“Come off the mountain, preacher. Are you manic? If you want a conventionalfantasy, here’s one: loyalty is forever. Or another: love lasts. Had enough?”
Milly threw up her hands. “I give up.”
They sipped their wine in silence. It wasn’t a bad vintage, thought Pam, withsome astonishment. The lady has some virtues. She studied her feelings likesome people examine their fingernails.
Jealousy, Pam thought. She recalled intimate moments with Fred. They’dlingered over each other. Was it feverish absorption? What had possessed himto marry Milly? Fred himself likely didn’t know. It was all a game to him. Life wasa challenge to overcome. Even at moments of intense pleasure, Fred’s mindticked over several levels of discourse at the same time, calculating, rebalancing.Pam sampled the wine again. Not bad at all. They were driven by passion, sheand Fred, she’d hoped. Mutual deception, she’d feared, but it was good while itlasted. This was an old story. They were fired by illicit desire and seclusion.Hobbyists of the heart, they created occasions that confirmed their wishes.
Humility? she wondered. We’re intractably deluded when we think we care aboutsomeone. The loveliest illusion, fondest folly is followed by despair. Love has nofulcrum. We wear a mask given us by another person. We want desperately tobelieve we’re loved, so we transform ourselves into someone else’s wishes. Weknow we can never succeed, which is why we pray we’ll never be confronted toofirmly, tested with rigour. The clouds will part at a single wrong gesture or harshword.
Resignation. The whole edifice of love is a hand of cards smeared with greasefrom yesterday’s game. Pam saw that Milly was absorbed in her own thoughts.Did they parallel her own? Love was a frantic projection. We enjoy it. Wedesperately want it to be real. At the end, however, we stub our toes badly whenthe curtain falls. Milly wouldn’t mind if Fred meets me, shouldn’t in any event. Iwouldn’t in her shoes. It isn’t important, after all.
Gratitude. I wouldn’t trade my arrangement with Ernest for a hundred Freds.Ernest doesn’t ask questions. Nor do I, come to think of it. This is as close ashuman beings can approach respect for each other. One day we’ll mutate toindifference and one of us will jump ship, but not today or tomorrow. Fred, on the other hand, is good for a moment’s passion, but not the long haul. He could inviteme here when Milly is away and pretend I’m Milly or I’ll do the pretending. Orneither of us pretend, but both fill the other with misconception. I’ve been marriedfor ten years; I’m entitled to make-believe. Milly seems disabused after a fewdays. Unless that’s disappointment or guilt I’m seeing.
“I’m just tired,” Milly answered the unvoiced question.
“How did you know what I was thinking?” asked Pam.
The women studied each other. Pam was as tall as Milly, but sinewy and darkwith a powerful Greek nose like a battleship. It suited her. She looked expensivein a classic suit, taupe with her usual touch of red, this time a ruby necklace. Incharacter, she was 100% Mediterranean. Unashamed of her emotions, Pamdidn’t have to flaunt them. Milly boasted the fair hair and regal figure of ruralDenmark. Also an underground Calvinism and secrecy. She bottled up herfeelings till they boiled over. Once primed, she couldn’t stop, but her preferencewas chill and silence, not to say ice.
“Let’s try a bar. Maybe the atmosphere will improve,” Pam said.
“I’m tired,” Milly replied. She waited, but Pam made no move to leave.
“All right,” said Milly. Pam obviously had something on her mind and wouldn’t gotill she said it. “Somewhere that will wake me up.”
They found a crowded upscale martini bar. Milly wrinkled her nose. They had toshout to be heard and duck their heads to avoid hanging plants. The light wasdim, great if you liked dipping your sleeves in the shrimp sauce. It reminded Millyof her early twenties, when she didn’t care where she went as long as it wasn’thome. She felt old. This was a kindergarten for adult friendships. They found abooth and ordered wine, nothing as good as Milly had at home. Milly waited forPam to talk. At least this will keep me awake, she told herself.
Milly needed something to unlock Pam’s reticence. She looked around. Excusingherself, she sidestepped and wound her way to the back of the bar where Arthursat at a table by himself, a mound of paper and shot glasses in front of him. Mostof the men along her route watched Milly appreciatively. She swung her hips forthem that little bit extra, a reward because they just watched. “Homework?” Millysaid.
Arthur jumped. “Oh,” he said. “My sometime bride.”
“You agreed we weren’t right for each other. OK, we could have discussed itbefore we got to Church. The important thing is we didn’t go ahead. Themarriage would have lasted five minutes.”
“Our business continues?”Milly checked that no one was listening. “Pull yourself together, darling. Drugs have been good to us,” she said. She toyed with Arthur’s collar. It wasambiguously a threat or loveplay. But her tone wasn’t soft. “Why would we stop?”"No reason.”Milly thumbed the pages in front of Arthur. “Is this our business? We agreed nothing on paper,” she said.”Accuracy matters.”"I told you to stop.”"I ran the operation long before you arrived on the scene.”"Not nearly as well.”"No one could guess what the numbers mean.”"No paper.” Milly’s voice purred. The more menacing the message, the softer she spoke. She opened her purse. Arthur saw the gun inside.”They’re dates for Bills in the legislature.” Arthur was sweating.”Uh-huh,” said Milly. “Brace yourself, we’re upping our sales this month.”"By what magic?” Arthur asked.Milly ignored the sarcasm. Arthur couldn’t translate it into action and she never got personal about business. “Tell your salespeople we want 10% more by theend of the month. Most improvement wins a $50,000 bonus plus a week inVegas.”
“The pressure – “”I can do this without you,” Milly whispered in his ear. She pretended they werelovers and had to stifle a laugh. “You take more money out of the operation than Ido. And I know all about the ladies who want their fix and do nything to make you happy. You are happy, aren’t you Arthur? I’m here to help you.” She toyedwith the clasp of her purse.”Put your purse away,” Arthur said. “And stop whispering. You make me nervous.”
“Stay here another 15 minutes, then go home. I want you fresh in the officetomorrow, Mr Legal Advisor to the Governor.”He nodded.”Check your watch.”He did.”Fifteen.”He nodded.”At the office, you’re boss and I’m your respectful assistant. We have that right?”
Arthur nodded.”Till nightfall, when Young Again explodes onto the streets, our associates climbout of bed, real business starts, and you’re boss with everybody except me. Andyou do what I say, when I say. Clear?”
Arthur was sweating again. He nodded.
Milly returned to her table. She felt an electric surge of joy. Power always did thisto her. Again heads swivelled in time to her hips.”You know how to rock the guys,” commented Pam.”So do you.” At nearby tables, men surreptitiously watched Pam to the evident annoyance of their dates.
